Wonder if....

So I have been thinking a lot about the statement " Mom, when are you going to grow up?" After my surgery, I have found myself traveling backwards in a time machine. I see the painfully shy, emotionally battered, physically and sexually abused lonely, little girl I once was. A place where the Spirit's I regularly saw and the 4-legged strays I found were my ONLY trusted friends. I remember the lake I lived on, the creek I walked by and drew "healing" rocks from, those trees I sat in, was my safe sacred space. And I can "clearly" see why I am where I am today on many levels.
During my morning walks and meditations one thing is clearer then ever. It isn't about the past anymore.....it is ALL about the present. Wonder if, you grew up like I did? Having to grow up
far too quickly, a time where parent/adult dysfunction overshadowed your innocence each and every day? Where peace and security wasn't something you ever felt inside of your home or family, but instead it was a place filled with constant conflict and fear. The pain and hunger of basic survival was what you KNEW as your reality. A dark place where LOVE didn't exist without condition or pain....and HATE thrived in fowl words and twisted minds? Yes, only God knows how I ever survived at all.
I often wonder and then I hear: that it is the water, those trees and rocks, those 4-legged ones who taught me to love, and those amazing Spirits who held me together and helped me all along my journey. I grew up as a part of them....never separate. I also know the Creator was always there in those darkest times, when other parts of me were being plucked apart by others. In a place inside..... far deeper......I was safe and loved by something BIGGER. And I did have a mother. I was always surrounded and protected by the Greatest Mother of all: Mother Nature. Without her beauty and healing, I would have broken long ago.
So here I am today, a survivor, strong, courageous and a mighty force who is connected to all that is and I can't help but to hope and wonder if maybe just maybe the rest of my life can be sweeter, filled with love, free of pain and suffering, if I can indeed nurture my inner child enough to find my lost innocence again? To pick up the "I always wanted too....if only I did this or that, and rewrite my story. Sing, dance or play the guitar. Platinum Blond hair or add midnight blue streaks if I want, get a new tattoo or trade the mommy car for a convertible. Maybe, the time for me to be more childlike is LONG OVERDUE! This Butterfly wants to fly and have fun, be free from the past, actually to be empowered and liberated by it. Be happy, safe, financially secure, to animate the highest vibration on the planet LOVE. Oh yes, watch me! I will do this and more.
I think I have learned enough of the hard knock life lessons of pain, worry, adult struggles. I have survived all of the tests along the way. And this weight loss/be fit and healthy adventure I am on, I am busy preparing for my final exam: "To become the Master of My Own Life. Not allow those Experiences of Life to Master Me."
What I am Creating today in my present, is a new improved reality for my future. And yes, I am and always will be a hopeless romantic who somehow after 47 years, still believes in "happily ever after!" And we Spiritualist's KNOW "The End" is just another beginning!