Who Knew?

So who knew that weight loss or gain was such an EMOTIONAL issue? OK, so we all raised our hands, no big surprise there. Boy, am I finding emotional baggage being released all over the place these days. I am a person who pretty much "knows" who, what, when and where this baggage came from....but what I didn't know was that I literally have boat loads of it. Shame, blame, guilt, fear, and pain. I honestly thought I got rid of this crap years ago. I did...must have been the stuff on the surface.
The last few months as I have been busy disposing pounds I find myself laughing one minute and completely sobbing the next. The whole "emotional roller-coaster" feels a bit foreign to me. I must admit, NOT being able to control the tears on command or demand was unsettling at first. However, I feel like an old pro almost 2 months to the day out of surgery. I know that must be released and it is time to go. As I get healthier it no longer can be stuffed away or locked up. I totally get this!
Between the age of 10-25 I had a pretty serious eating disorder: Anorexia and Bulimia. I almost went into organ failure at the age of 19. I collapsed after not eating solid for about 3 months. It was ALL about me trying to CONTROL my life: by my weight, food consummation all to cover up deeper emotional pain. In my last blog I spoke about the severe sexual/physical/emotional abuse I suffered as a child. That included having to clear my plate even when I wasn't hungry and both parents using food as a "healing balm" for whatever damage was done and left hurting. Mentally or Physically. After a good old fashion belt beating, nothing made it all better faster than getting some "Ow Scream". Yep, that's what Robin as a 2-3 year old called ice cream! Funny thing is....it isn't so cute anymore. Kind of sad actually. I have realized that I have so much "learned" behavior to undo and as more memories surface I find that I still want to energetically "feed" the pain. Pain for what was, pain for what wasn't and there is even pain for what will never be. I know that this is a waste of energy!
Carole King got it right: "I haven't got time for the pain." However, I do have the time to practice self nurturing and forgiveness. Allow my spirit to release and let go of what no longer serves me. Does this mean I will be able to heal once and for all. Dear God, I sure hope so. And I still like ice cream and I know I can have a scoop because I want it, not because I am using it to mask something else! The trick: I must be mindful. Listen to my body. Find a way to let food be fuel and not my enemy. I do struggle not to weigh myself everyday. But I am working hard to not rock my body with such emotional extremes anymore....instead let it find gentle balance. Without the need to control it. I continue to excercise and walk 2-3 miles daily.
I will keep searching to find the "Happy Medium" inside. Hey, I know she is in here somewhere. And as soon as she feels safe enough....she will appear! Thanks for listening. (( :

Wonder if....

So I have been thinking a lot about the statement " Mom, when are you going to grow up?" After my surgery, I have found myself traveling backwards in a time machine. I see the painfully shy, emotionally battered, physically and sexually abused lonely, little girl I once was. A place where the Spirit's I regularly saw and the 4-legged strays I found were my ONLY trusted friends. I remember the lake I lived on, the creek I walked by and drew "healing" rocks from, those trees I sat in, was my safe sacred space. And I can "clearly" see why I am where I am today on many levels.
During my morning walks and meditations one thing is clearer then ever. It isn't about the past anymore.....it is ALL about the present. Wonder if, you grew up like I did? Having to grow up
far too quickly, a time where parent/adult dysfunction overshadowed your innocence each and every day? Where peace and security wasn't something you ever felt inside of your home or family, but instead it was a place filled with constant conflict and fear. The pain and hunger of basic survival was what you KNEW as your reality. A dark place where LOVE didn't exist without condition or pain....and HATE thrived in fowl words and twisted minds? Yes, only God knows how I ever survived at all.
I often wonder and then I hear: that it is the water, those trees and rocks, those 4-legged ones who taught me to love, and those amazing Spirits who held me together and helped me all along my journey. I grew up as a part of them....never separate. I also know the Creator was always there in those darkest times, when other parts of me were being plucked apart by others. In a place inside..... far deeper......I was safe and loved by something BIGGER. And I did have a mother. I was always surrounded and protected by the Greatest Mother of all: Mother Nature. Without her beauty and healing, I would have broken long ago.
So here I am today, a survivor, strong, courageous and a mighty force who is connected to all that is and I can't help but to hope and wonder if maybe just maybe the rest of my life can be sweeter, filled with love, free of pain and suffering, if I can indeed nurture my inner child enough to find my lost innocence again? To pick up the "I always wanted too....if only I did this or that, and rewrite my story. Sing, dance or play the guitar. Platinum Blond hair or add midnight blue streaks if I want, get a new tattoo or trade the mommy car for a convertible. Maybe, the time for me to be more childlike is LONG OVERDUE! This Butterfly wants to fly and have fun, be free from the past, actually to be empowered and liberated by it. Be happy, safe, financially secure, to animate the highest vibration on the planet LOVE. Oh yes, watch me! I will do this and more.
I think I have learned enough of the hard knock life lessons of pain, worry, adult struggles. I have survived all of the tests along the way. And this weight loss/be fit and healthy adventure I am on, I am busy preparing for my final exam: "To become the Master of My Own Life. Not allow those Experiences of Life to Master Me."
What I am Creating today in my present, is a new improved reality for my future. And yes, I am and always will be a hopeless romantic who somehow after 47 years, still believes in "happily ever after!" And we Spiritualist's KNOW "The End" is just another beginning!

For a Fill and a Song!

So on Wed I went in for my 1st lap band fill. Now that was a weird adventure. The lowlight was the anxiety and the needle was so big it could have tapped an elephant. The highlight was the "Novocain" and number I posted on the scale. I am down 37 lbs in 7 weeks! I can't believe it. My Dr was humming and happy. I was numb and thrilled. I go back in 6 weeks. I am walking daily, using hand weights and resistance bands. But I am back on liquids for a few days until I adjust to this change. I am tight and sore now as my body gets used to this pressure and the new restriction. At least that is what they tell me.
At the PSC Annual Membership Meeting, they presented me with a gorgeous new ocean blue guitar. What a dream come true! I had a plain one a long time ago. As a painfully shy 14 year old I began lessons with an awesome music teacher (Mr Milk's) who encouraged me to sing publicly. He choose me for solos in the choir and then offered me a spot in the music group called "The Singing Swinging 7" at our school. The very best thing to ever happen to me as a student in the education system. In those days I actually felt that God had thrown me a lifeline. Music allowed me to express my inner most emotions through...SONG. But my happiness was short lived when my abusive father broke the instrument in half and ordered me to STOP after school rehearsals and the private guitar lessons and voice coaching my kind teacher offered free to me. After loosing something that was so important to me, I was even more withdrawn, and I never found anything else that I excelled in school wise.
As an adult I have always "wished" to find someone that had the patience to teach a dyslexic south paw to play. I love all types of mucic and have always had musicians as friends. And Spirit sent me a new talented friend last year that was up for the challenge. Out of the blue on day, she said Spirit told her to teach me how to play the guitar. Did I want to learn or were her gifts "off"? She also saw that we would be singing/playing together at PSC and with the choir. Mentioned an album called, "Howe The Wind Blows". All I could do was laugh but it was followed by a great big teary YES! I am having my 1st lesson today. Please pray for her. I love to sing, have been doing karaoke for years (won many contests over the years) out and about. (A shout out to the "Girls Night Out Gang") I always have new and old lyrics bouncing around in my head, so I figured it is fine time to put this all together.
However, I was surprised when I mentioned it to my oldest daughter the other day and she was less then supportive. We had just gone a round about me cutting my hair off and spiking it blond( my natural color is now white platinum blond. Over the next 5 months I am slowly going back to all natural) She said " Mom, when are you going to finally grow up and stop trying new things? Stunned, I felt her words sting me. Somehow I managed to sputter out: I guess.....NEVER! I am only 47 years old Heather. After she left I was still thinking, Am I too old to be doing something like this? Am I being foolish? Maybe I am I having a mid life crisis or something. Clear as a bell my Soul screamed NO. Immediately an inner peace followed.
I really don't care anymore what others think about me, or what I am doing or learning. I am "over" being judged or criticized by people who don't really understand what I have overcome in this lifetime. I am for the first time, doing what makes me happy. I am not sacrificing myself any longer.
I am nurturing and tending to my damaged inner child. Part of this process is to keep doing things that will allow me to heal the past and continue to grow. A few months ago, I made a promise to release and let go of the horrible experiences that I allowed to destroy parts of me. These "bits" can be found again, the emotions revisited, so I can rewrite them with much happier endings..
Life's lessons do not need to be painful or debilitating. They just need our permission and courage to allow the true soul lessons to materialize when we are ready. I know it took great COURAGE to survive my childhood. But now I can THRIVE and celebrate my life in my adulthood. For my UNBREAKABLE SPIRIT is the true author of my "happily ever after". And I am grateful.....

One Foot In Front Of The Other.....

So recovery has been a day by day process. I have found that I can no longer force myself or my body to do what is isn't ready to do. It gets cranky when I push myself too fast. Seems I totally underestimated my super woman healing powers. "I" thought for sure I would take a week or 2 off tops. I would do what I was told to do REST and HEAL. Apparently I didn't read the whole brochure or fine print in my pre-op paper work. You know, the part that says, 6-12 weeks is the normal recovery time for most patients.
My Dr laughed at me when I came in for my 2 week post op appt. He said: "My weakness or sleepiness was normal." Having the blues was too. Please go home and actually READ the paperwork they sent me home with and ummm....DO what it tells you. " I find that I need regular naps now. I eat.... gasp....organic baby food, soups, protein shakes, because everything I eat must be soft. In many ways I am treating myself like a small child. Now you ARE laughing at me! I figure my inner child is really enjoying, my outer adult nurturing her. Caring for her like she has never been cared for in her entire childhood. The newly added smell of baby soap, lotion and powder totally takes this process to a even deeper level of personal healing. Because of my skin sensitivities and allergies I am supposed to use these products too. I totally forgot that I loved these smells. They remind me of my children when they were infants. I LOVED the smell of them after I bathed them and put lotion on them. It is rather amazing to be so connected to my body. I am cleared out of all breads, pastas, flour, sugar, caffeine(hey does a 1/2 cup really count lol) eating little to no carbs....and no longer taking medications including insulin. I am a month out of surgery and I am completely detoxed.
And the best part......my Spirit has NEVER felt more present. I listen to my body, mind and spirit. I have no choice but to honor this temple each and everyday. I can only imagine what the future holds. But I find that I am in no hurry. I am taking time out to plant flowers, water them and to SMELL them. I am seeing clients again. My connection to the Spirit World is humming! SO fine tuned. Who knew, this would enhance my abilities? I am working at a more comfortable pace for all concerned. I have been delegating classes when I need to. Mother Nature is really speaking to me. The Earth healing work/ceremony is helping me stay centered and showing me spirit messages. A lovely blue jay has visited me the last 3 mornings. Just singing away. Walks right up to me. Never have I seen such a solid, strong, bright blue male. There are butterflies everywhere, humming birds and deer, my morning doves Mr and Mrs are sitting on their eggs in my Japanese Dogwood. We coo- chat daily. And everyday I meditate and walk, and walk and walk some more. In a month: 32 lbs down....lots more to go. But I am more at peace then I have ever been.
I am also looking for company to walk with me. I find that I am a bit lonely at times. So if you are interested, please let me know. I walk in the AM and PM after dinner time. Thanks for listening. All is well....

Under Construction In a Fish Bowl With Audio!

So I struggled for the last few weeks about being "out and honest" with my friends, clients and parishioner's about what I am going through right now. Being a public figure working within the community is sort of like living in a fish bowl with audio. My most private, embarrassing moment's, as well as the wonderful achievements always play out on the public view, the "stage"of life. Absolutely everyone at one time or another judges me and my choices. But make no mistake about it: I judge myself as well. It used to crush me....one day I was up, the next I had a target on my back. People are funny like that. Some will hit you when you are up, others when you are down. Like the song goes: people just LOVE dirty laundry. (love that song)
12 months ago I adopted my new and healthy motto: "What other people think about me is NONE of my business!" And it really helped me grow a lot. The book The 4 Agreements was another tool that helped me develop a thicker skin in the public work I do. I have struggled with a body that doesn't always do what I want it too do. Not because my mind "didn't want it too" but stemming more from years of abusing it with medications including high doses of steroids for a back injury cause me to gain more and more weight. Car accidents left damage that overtime has been like my spine is playing domino's. I have been on so many different types of "crap" that I was suffering side effects which also cause a weakened immune system. Years of this morphed into becoming super hyper sensitive to those same meds Drs all wanted me to take. Last Ortho check, I was refereed to a Pain Management Clinic for injections into my spine. Spirit NEVER allowed me to make or keep that appt I kept hearing NO loud and clear. I let my weight keep me from flying to NYC and doing a Discovery Chanel Documentary about Mediumship, I told "*gasp* Harpo Studios NO because I didn't like what I looked like on camera. So I was suffering physically, emotionally and professionally. I knew something had to give. I couldn't keep doing the same thing and expect a different results. I also was becoming more and more down loosing my quality of life as I gained more weight from the inability to exercise. I used to bike, ride horses, hike, body sculpt, and DANCE. None of those things were possible anymore. Long term pain....can be debilitating to a Spirit. My energy levels became a struggle to manage. However, I loved channeling healing energy for others. I honestly believe that without doing it, I might have never made it through. I know that we all help each other. I teach that it is impossible to channel energy without it filling you first! I still strongly believe this today. Love and God can heal everything!
Then I was put on insulin a year ago. I was so upset. Now I had even more meds to take. More unbalance my body needed to overcome. It was hard giving myself injections every night. It never really was completely controlled. By diet or otherwise. Nothing would work without EXERCISE! But all Ortho Drs said NO EXERCISE! A not nice MIND GAME hamster wheel I let them put me on for several years. Around Dec 2009 my Dr refereed me to a friend of hers. She told me that I should go to this meeting at RGH. Said, "Robin, Merry Christmas... please DO NOT miss it." So I went. I met my awesome Dr that very same night. I found out at the standing room only seminar her "friend" was a Bariatric Surgen. He sought me out after his presentation and said, "Robin if you choose to do this, I promise to take good care of you and he has. I called the office which has a 3 month waiting list Jan 3 and someone had canceled an apointment the following day. I took it. I have been in "boot camp" ever since. Head to toe, in and out I have been tested and retested. I have under gone training and more. It has been a fierce year of prep work. My insurance company approved it all. I became a well educated patient. I asked tons of questions, even met clients in the waiting room....almost everytime I went, someone said: Pastor Robin is that you? lol The health risks are high for anyone over weight, but on all the meds too? Way worse. You may never choose something like this or maybe you might but it is NOT the easy way out. It has been by far the hardest thing I have ever done for myself! And this is just the very begining! Sometimes those you think will be supportive are not. They told me horror stories just days before my surgery to "trip me up". Reminding me that I had to do this FOR ME!

Last Mon May 10th was my re-birthday. With an amazing team of nurses, Drs, family & friends for support, I now am the proud owner of a 2010 Lap-Band System. As of today 25 lbs has been shed off my spine just 2 weeks. (a week of liquid prep)I left the hospital off ALL INSULIN, blood pressure meds and most importantly pain/steroid meds for my back. My spine has been pain free. I am able to WALK daily. I am able to rejoice in my heart....feeling my soul awaken , my connection to the Spirit World is deeper than ever. I am clear, and excited about the future. I am getting MY MIRACLE. I am so grateful that soon I will be able to ride horses again, to bike, hike and dance again. I will be able to golf again. I will be able to BREATHE again. I am proud of my personal choice. I am proud of the courage it took for me to finally allow the ME I want to see in the mirror break "free from her cocoon" And I hope, I really hope you support my efforts. I fall down, but I ALWAYS get back up. I heard in a meeting last night if I didn't tell you....some might see the rapid weight loss and think I was sick! So I decided in morning meditation to share my story with you! Spirit has sent me NOTHING but butterflies as signs the whole way! We are one....With Love, ~Robin Wind
The Butterfly Tribe

Roughing the Storm

So surgery went well last Mon. I was released late Wed afternoon. Ended up with a awesome private suite, wonderful nurses & friends. Over all the Dr couldn't have been happier with the results. Now I have realized that trying to rough out the pain and discomfort for the next few weeks might be more challenging than I first thought. The only allergic reaction I had was to the meds in my pain pump. Caused a "vertigo" reaction that was the most "stormy" night during my stay. Today I was finally able to read and focus my eyes without the body wanting to throw myself or my cookies overboard! Sleeping isn't easy without one of those lovely adjustable beds the hospital uses (the only thing I miss) I feel like a turtle on my back most of the time. I need help up and down, in and out. Jo has taken family leave for 10 more days to help me. I am grateful. I have emotional showers which occur daily. Teary from this entire metamorphose process. All of the changes happening so quickly and the total lack of control I have with my body right now. Taking lots of deep breaths and one day at a time. Keeping my eyes on the prize. Not making too many plans far out yet. And can I tell you that RESTING, SITTING, WATCHING MINDLESS TV is not fun for someone who is always running in the fast lane.
I am taking walks with Lily Bits. Can't lift anything for a month (((((what?)))))) She has been a wonderful 4 legged nurse. Kisses the blues away. I will be busy learning how to delegate and allowing others help me. Another lesson I am sure will be awkward. I heard lyrics to an old song for the 70"s I think just before dawn yesterday, "I've been to Paradise....but I've never been to Me."
A female guides voice was singing it in my head like a powerful spirit message! I got it loud and clear. I will take my time getting to know me, my body better. We are bonding right now. I no longer look at it as my enemy or anchor. When it talks: I will listen. When it is tired I will rest it. And everyday I will worship my physical temple. Take the time to fix and balance what is broken. Shed this skin, grow those wings and fly! Did I mention we are going on a cruise Oct 2-8 to the Bahamas? Celebrating a dear friends 60th Birthday. Mmmm.....I see lots and lots of dancing & dolphin! (and note to self - patches for sea sickness) *giggles*

Operation Butterfly....

So as the smell of Lilac's enters my office window, I thought it was time to share some exciting news. Operation Butterfly has begun! 2010 will truly be a year of transformation and change for me. I am taking personal steps to get healthier by taking better care of the"one who cares for so many" as my dear friend Sandy calls me. I have already disposed of 18 lbs.....the long overdue journey has begun. I am having surgery next Mon to "help me-better help myself". This combined with the release of baggage/abuse of my childhood, should be a celebration of sorts. More ceremony of the positive.....less emotional attachment to the negative. I am not foolish enough to attempt lag of the journey all alone. I have a team. It is called TEAM BUTTERFLY. They are a wonderful group of friends and professionals whom I adore, trust and count on for support. This process will not be easy. Some days are down right brutal actually. But I will do it. Step by step. I am ready do my part to be successful on this important part of my journey. Spirit Guides are very "on board" as well. I laugh remembering the other day when I zeroed in on a stone at Two Hawks Gallery. Yes, I know that the idea of the heavens opening up with angels singing and me having a "moment" with a stone, crystal AKA Rock is hard to imagine, but it happened! lol It is called a: Snakeskin Agate. A few highlights out of "The Crystal Bible" are: Spiritually it strengthens the base and sacral chakras, rooting the soul into the body and the earth, and facilitating full acceptance of incarnation. *giggles* Snakeskin Agate connects you to the joy of living, and reminds you as the snake sheds its skin, you can slough off your past and be reborn! Teaching "like cures like". I love that part! For years I have said "I wish I could find a person that could channel Spirit energy, like I do for others". It appears the universe agrees. They will also be cheering me on, helping me help myself, picking me up when I am down. Channeling energy in and clearing out those nightmares of the past.
I am grateful every single day for the opportunity to serve Spirit, to serve others and now I am happy to see the real me again. I am ready to become all I am meant to be! In morning meditations I see my new beautiful wings in bright beautiful colors being woven. Fully aware that as fragile as butterfly's wings are: they are "wind current" strong for her as she dances gracefully across the sky. I am ready to dance and fly again..... I hope you find the time to discover your inner butterfly too!
My Love, ~Robin Wind