Who Knew?

So who knew that weight loss or gain was such an EMOTIONAL issue? OK, so we all raised our hands, no big surprise there. Boy, am I finding emotional baggage being released all over the place these days. I am a person who pretty much "knows" who, what, when and where this baggage came from....but what I didn't know was that I literally have boat loads of it. Shame, blame, guilt, fear, and pain. I honestly thought I got rid of this crap years ago. I did...must have been the stuff on the surface.
The last few months as I have been busy disposing pounds I find myself laughing one minute and completely sobbing the next. The whole "emotional roller-coaster" feels a bit foreign to me. I must admit, NOT being able to control the tears on command or demand was unsettling at first. However, I feel like an old pro almost 2 months to the day out of surgery. I know that must be released and it is time to go. As I get healthier it no longer can be stuffed away or locked up. I totally get this!
Between the age of 10-25 I had a pretty serious eating disorder: Anorexia and Bulimia. I almost went into organ failure at the age of 19. I collapsed after not eating solid for about 3 months. It was ALL about me trying to CONTROL my life: by my weight, food consummation all to cover up deeper emotional pain. In my last blog I spoke about the severe sexual/physical/emotional abuse I suffered as a child. That included having to clear my plate even when I wasn't hungry and both parents using food as a "healing balm" for whatever damage was done and left hurting. Mentally or Physically. After a good old fashion belt beating, nothing made it all better faster than getting some "Ow Scream". Yep, that's what Robin as a 2-3 year old called ice cream! Funny thing is....it isn't so cute anymore. Kind of sad actually. I have realized that I have so much "learned" behavior to undo and as more memories surface I find that I still want to energetically "feed" the pain. Pain for what was, pain for what wasn't and there is even pain for what will never be. I know that this is a waste of energy!
Carole King got it right: "I haven't got time for the pain." However, I do have the time to practice self nurturing and forgiveness. Allow my spirit to release and let go of what no longer serves me. Does this mean I will be able to heal once and for all. Dear God, I sure hope so. And I still like ice cream and I know I can have a scoop because I want it, not because I am using it to mask something else! The trick: I must be mindful. Listen to my body. Find a way to let food be fuel and not my enemy. I do struggle not to weigh myself everyday. But I am working hard to not rock my body with such emotional extremes anymore....instead let it find gentle balance. Without the need to control it. I continue to excercise and walk 2-3 miles daily.
I will keep searching to find the "Happy Medium" inside. Hey, I know she is in here somewhere. And as soon as she feels safe enough....she will appear! Thanks for listening. (( :