Taking Time Out For Me.

So last week I shared about tummy messages. Today I want to talk about moving myself up on the "To Do" List. Without guilt, shame, worry or doubt. When I became a single mom of a 4 and 6 year I began patterns that ultimately became unhealthy for me. I worked a 8-10 hour day at the hospital taking care of patients, soul responsibility of 2 small children, a few pets, a house, shopping, the lawn, laundry, along with everything else most Moms do for their family's.
And I was alone, with no family support, very few friends who were reliable I was not fun anymore. I barley kept going, living day by day, working non stop until I simply dropped at night. No time to go out, relax, to party, cook or breathe for that matter. Without my ex I lost my former lifestyle....it was a challenge for sure. I stopped working out with my trainer and using my lifetime membership at the health club. So busy most of the time that I often forgot to eat until it was too late to cook. By then it was easier to just eat a bowl of cereal or hit a drive thru. But I told myself the self sacrifice was worth being away from his alcoholism, drug use and domestic abuse. And it WAS on many levels just not for my physical body!
Everything that I had always "taken for granted" including a house keeper and PT babysitter was gone. And I kept putting myself further and further at the bottom of the list. Everyone else's needs came first, mine weren't important. Soon I got involved with our church. I went to services, classes, meetings just to maintain some sort of spiritual balance. I found my strength there. I found my connection to God and Spirit to be mind blowing. It fulfilled me! It healed me. I served the board until I became the assistant Pastor after attending the church 4 years. I made new friends. PSC became my family. When Jo arrived....my light was fading fast. I was almost burnt out. We had 2 kids(with issues) survived a wicked divorce, cancer treatment together and then a 3rd child followed. We had 2 dogs, 1 cat and had moved twice. I also inherited a CHURCH. The whole damn thing, with it's own issues. One day we were just handed EVERYTHING without warning. We had to move everything out of the old church she had rented to another church group! Late after working all day we, 2 of us with children (boy did they hated PSC lol) moved it all (including 50 pews)into a huge storage space in Greece. What didn't fit there we moved into our small home basement. It was already rough time for us. And now I had 20+displaced members and friends, the entire churches history, belongings and had a building for sale but they had a rental contract for 18 months before they would be buying it! So she left us with no place to meet. We held services and a weekly home circle in our home. I just did what Spirit told me to do. Do not break the continuity of energy that is Plymouth. After a year or so of that and people ALWAYS in our home, I found an meeting room in a hotel. We met there for almost 2 years. Every Sunday we carried a box of book/hymnals, materials, collection baskets, portable lectern, 4 healing benches & bowls in and out. We held 52 Sundays a year. Car loaded and unloaded by us ONLY. In all weather(boy did Jo hate me & PSC lol) But we kept "the continuity of PSC flowing and growing". We never took time off, never had time to relax. Over the years, we have had dozens of fights about "my church and their vision" was NEVER hers. That we never had time to be at home, time alone with our family or each other. That I was working too hard for NOTHING! No pay check. But still I pushed forward. We secured a loan for our current building, where I/we signed our lives away for the vision of "Spirit". In 2001 we moved into Vick Pk A in march and hosted a Annual NSAC Convention with 500+ Spiritualists from all over the country that October. Since the very beginning I have watched several people come and go. Sad that they didn't see the "bigger picture" or stick around to become as dedicated and committed as we are. I can count in 1 hand and a few fingers on the other, how many Sunday Services I have missed. I have my own personal regrets about some of the choices we have made along the way. The "friends we lost when trust is broken, that happens when the people you count on to help.... let you down. The unhealthy lifestyle/relationship patterns that we have formed as a couple. Never having time alone is NOT good for any relationship! In 2005 we split. For a year...I tried to function solo. Without my right hand. It was impossible. And yes, since I inherited PSC I have gained weight, and a lot of it. At my highest weight I was 100 lbs more then I was when I joined PSC as a member! When I was looking at the early 90's church photo albums and I didn't recognize myself anymore. Years of late night circles and classes, eating after 9:00 PM and then going right to bed. What was I thinking? The stress of all "of it" and personal responsibility of "building it so they would come" I have energetically absorb a lot. It has taken a toll on my mind, body and spirit. Finding balance was crucial if I were to continue the course Spirit set many years ago. Yes, some of my choices I regret...but today I can understand WHY I made them and take the steps needed to reverse it.
And through it all, I have been so incredibly blessed. I have accomplished so much with my very best friend whom, if had not come along....I would have never been able fulfill Spirits Vision. I am very grateful that God keeps sending me angels. We have an awesome group of people who now help me keep the continuity of energy "flowing and growing." I wish to clear the record: the surgery I had....was needed BECAUSE of the choices I made along the way to NOT to take time out for myself. To work all week -for many years, I had 2 full time jobs, while trying to be a good mom, missing concerts, graduations, things I can NEVER redo with my children. Never having weekends off for quality family time, or yearly mini vacations. In 14 years to take one family vacation just to spread my beloved grandparents ashes in the gulf, .doesn't really not count as a relaxing happy time. I was greiving, lost and trying to heal my broken heart! On May 10th created a new me birthday. I made a promise to myself to undo the old unhealthy patterns, to make time out for me and my family 1st. To Celebrate my life and my accomplishments. To be PRESENT in my choices, actions and deeds. I will dance again, I will not live in physical pain everyday because my back/spine was collapsing into itself holding too much weight "physical and emotional" any longer. I will not live on pain meds. There is NOT quality of life doing so. Back injuries are always about "not feeling supported" in your efforts. Financially or otherwise. Earlier this in Jan we were invited by dear friends to join them on a Cruise to celebrate his 60th birthday! Honestly, I wouldn't miss it for the world. Booking 6 months out, is was less than $50 a day. So I said YES. I still must come up with the flights that will cost more then the cruise itself but it will happen. I have years of IOUS out in the Universe! And I called them all in! I actually yelled to the top of my lungs: I WANT TO LIVE. HAPPY, HEALTHY WEALTHY RIGHT NOW! I no longer wish to struggle and worry about PSC anymore. I HAVE DONE MY PART. It is time to take time out for me. my family...the things that are MOST important to me. Life is too short to "wait"...... "eat" dessert first. Find the joy and sweetness again. Without guilt, shame, worry or doubts. I will now be doing this each and everyday. A few weeks ago we finally called in together to take "personal day off." No one was sick...we simply said we NEED to just sit and not move today, to have some quality family time. And we still got 3 texts and calls, had to do 2+ hrs of church business in our home. So much for "time off." I am so looking forward to being out of reach of everyone for 6 days and 5 nights! NO ONE to disturb me as I am getting to know my new self and the people I adore all over again....it is so LONG overdue! Thanks for listening.