beautifully broken... shaped by the wind... dangerously twisted

So these are the lyrics to a song I really like at this time in my life. It is called "Beautifully Broken" by Warren Haynes. The words somehow fit my soul right now. For the 1st time in years I feel as though my inner beauty is coming forth. Through all the years of pain, struggles and challenges I am EMERGING from my cocoon of protection. Becoming all I am meant to be.
Shaped by the wind: is the breath of all life and my connection to the Spirit World.
Dangerously twisted: to the edge by the those who tried to break me.
Broken: finding out that no matter what my body says.....my Spirit will always be unbroken.
I also had another great accomplishment. I do NOT like photos of me taken. Super Duper picky about ones that are used for press packages(ask Liz) etc until last Sunday. I came home after an awesome day at PSC and Jo asked to take pictures of me and Lily Bits. I said yes. And out of 10 she took....I really liked 7 of them so much that I shared them on Facebook. I know not a big deal right? But it was to me. She said, you need photos to show you along the way how far you are coming with weight loss. It made sense. Denying a part of who I was, or am at any given moment seems pointless. I need to see the "Beautifully Broken". So I am staying present and practicing acceptance. Of all the parts that express me, my life and journey. Yes, I "knew" that this was important to the process, but it was still just one more thing I sometimes forget to do. I am making notes for myself. Sticky notes are another favorite thing for me to use right now. Sue, my hairdresser aka " She Who Makes Me Look Good" gave me sticky notes which say: "Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting!" She said they just screamed my name when she bought them for me! They are everywhere reminding me that I MUST do this. Plus they make me giggle out loud. And yes, that is the kicker. The true key to survival: LAUGHTER. It really is the best medicine. I am happier than I have ever been. I am more my authentic self too. I really LOVE my life, my job, my family and friends. I am so pleased to be on this next lag of the journey. I don't know where I am going....but I can't wait to get there. This line will be on my marker someday when I finally leave this rock for good! lol I am so excited to see where this road I am on is going to take me next. If you haven't heard me say this to you personally yet, listen up: I am SO very grateful you are on the journey with me. Together we are one! *hugs*

Creating "A New You" Group

So I am finding that weight loss is all about being present. Present in thoughts, actions and deeds. Not always easy to juggle all of these at the same time in the 3-rings of my circus, but I am doing my best. One day at a time. You won't believe how hard it is to say NO, walk away and regroup. Sometimes I can only focus on one ring at a time. Doing the best I can with my "thoughts" then move on to the "actions" and finally to the "deeds." But when I have days like that I find that I can still be pretty hard on myself. I might get moody...or just plain mad because I let a few bites of "chocolate" win! The other day it was a handful of chips. Salt was needed....not sure how to explain it maybe only the gals out there would really get this craving!
As with anything NEW it takes time and practice to really get it right. If I say YES to a naughty snack that "isn't highest and best" for me....then I must say YES to an extra block or 2 on my walk. It is about taking a moment to ask myself "is it worth it?" Do I really want to eat this? I must say, it is getting easier to be mindful of healthier choices that I am making. I like the feeling I have when I ask, listen and allow myself freedom to choose. No need for power struggles....guilt, shame or blame. And the very best thing I did lately, was to get into a fight with my scale. BTW-We still are not speaking. (it lies to me lol) A few weeks ago, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a plateau. My body is trying to find a new balance. To not go all or nothing. I was upset when it said that I gained 4 1/2 lbs overnight. Impossible since I am eating so well and exercising. I sadly mentioned this a few nurse friends who kindly reminded me that "muscle" weighs more than fat! My legs are rock solid again! To stop weighing myself everyday. To go by how my clothes are fitting. duh...I knew this but FORGOT. Once took their advise I felt a whole lot better. What I realized is when I get scared....and fear fills the body mind and spirit EVERYTHING just stops flowing. My mind is so powerful.....I can create my reality in a snap of my fingers. I must continue to flow....so the weight can go!
The support group I am in once a month is little to no help. NO ONE talks about the connection to emotions during this process. NO ONE wants to walk with me or become a "healthy lap band buddy." Many have not changed old patterns. Still eat things they shouldn't, and DO NOT exercise. I must scare them because I am all about creating healthy changes on all levels.
Yes, it is just the beginning of the journey, but I am really feeling like I might actually get this figured out. (( : I am working on being more patient with myself. Taking time out to rest, days where I don't walk....just swim or use the hand weights. I don't have to "do it all at once." I don't want hurt my body. I want to take my time and do it right. I keep hearing, slow and steady wins the race, I am OK with this. I am going to check out other groups, advertise if I have to, to find others like me. And if I can't? Maybe I should start a group.
Last Thurs before circle Cathie and Teresa said, "your going to be the poster girl" for Lap band/weight loss surgery. I just laughed. But maybe they are onto something! Maybe it is about forming a new group for ALL people who struggle with weight. Who have had surgery or not. Offering positive encouragement and modivation, visualizing meditations, group sharing about the emotional around issues of weight gain and loss, creating a safe place for us to understand how to create healthier changes for our bodies, minds and Spirits. Sharing laughter, tears, cheers, ideas/ solutions to live in a world that doesn't always accept all shapes of people as equal. We can exchanging recipes and yes, maybe have a clothes exchange as we downsize! With weekly meeting times and places to walk and talk. So I am on it people. If you are interested let me know. Until I get this going, I am going to just offer meet up walking times:
Begining Aug 2 @ Greece Ridge Mall Mon-Fri meet at the Front Entrance by the Carousel SHARP> 8:30-9:30 AM please fb me to let me know your interested!

Taking Time Out For Me.

So last week I shared about tummy messages. Today I want to talk about moving myself up on the "To Do" List. Without guilt, shame, worry or doubt. When I became a single mom of a 4 and 6 year I began patterns that ultimately became unhealthy for me. I worked a 8-10 hour day at the hospital taking care of patients, soul responsibility of 2 small children, a few pets, a house, shopping, the lawn, laundry, along with everything else most Moms do for their family's.
And I was alone, with no family support, very few friends who were reliable I was not fun anymore. I barley kept going, living day by day, working non stop until I simply dropped at night. No time to go out, relax, to party, cook or breathe for that matter. Without my ex I lost my former lifestyle....it was a challenge for sure. I stopped working out with my trainer and using my lifetime membership at the health club. So busy most of the time that I often forgot to eat until it was too late to cook. By then it was easier to just eat a bowl of cereal or hit a drive thru. But I told myself the self sacrifice was worth being away from his alcoholism, drug use and domestic abuse. And it WAS on many levels just not for my physical body!
Everything that I had always "taken for granted" including a house keeper and PT babysitter was gone. And I kept putting myself further and further at the bottom of the list. Everyone else's needs came first, mine weren't important. Soon I got involved with our church. I went to services, classes, meetings just to maintain some sort of spiritual balance. I found my strength there. I found my connection to God and Spirit to be mind blowing. It fulfilled me! It healed me. I served the board until I became the assistant Pastor after attending the church 4 years. I made new friends. PSC became my family. When Jo arrived....my light was fading fast. I was almost burnt out. We had 2 kids(with issues) survived a wicked divorce, cancer treatment together and then a 3rd child followed. We had 2 dogs, 1 cat and had moved twice. I also inherited a CHURCH. The whole damn thing, with it's own issues. One day we were just handed EVERYTHING without warning. We had to move everything out of the old church she had rented to another church group! Late after working all day we, 2 of us with children (boy did they hated PSC lol) moved it all (including 50 pews)into a huge storage space in Greece. What didn't fit there we moved into our small home basement. It was already rough time for us. And now I had 20+displaced members and friends, the entire churches history, belongings and had a building for sale but they had a rental contract for 18 months before they would be buying it! So she left us with no place to meet. We held services and a weekly home circle in our home. I just did what Spirit told me to do. Do not break the continuity of energy that is Plymouth. After a year or so of that and people ALWAYS in our home, I found an meeting room in a hotel. We met there for almost 2 years. Every Sunday we carried a box of book/hymnals, materials, collection baskets, portable lectern, 4 healing benches & bowls in and out. We held 52 Sundays a year. Car loaded and unloaded by us ONLY. In all weather(boy did Jo hate me & PSC lol) But we kept "the continuity of PSC flowing and growing". We never took time off, never had time to relax. Over the years, we have had dozens of fights about "my church and their vision" was NEVER hers. That we never had time to be at home, time alone with our family or each other. That I was working too hard for NOTHING! No pay check. But still I pushed forward. We secured a loan for our current building, where I/we signed our lives away for the vision of "Spirit". In 2001 we moved into Vick Pk A in march and hosted a Annual NSAC Convention with 500+ Spiritualists from all over the country that October. Since the very beginning I have watched several people come and go. Sad that they didn't see the "bigger picture" or stick around to become as dedicated and committed as we are. I can count in 1 hand and a few fingers on the other, how many Sunday Services I have missed. I have my own personal regrets about some of the choices we have made along the way. The "friends we lost when trust is broken, that happens when the people you count on to help.... let you down. The unhealthy lifestyle/relationship patterns that we have formed as a couple. Never having time alone is NOT good for any relationship! In 2005 we split. For a year...I tried to function solo. Without my right hand. It was impossible. And yes, since I inherited PSC I have gained weight, and a lot of it. At my highest weight I was 100 lbs more then I was when I joined PSC as a member! When I was looking at the early 90's church photo albums and I didn't recognize myself anymore. Years of late night circles and classes, eating after 9:00 PM and then going right to bed. What was I thinking? The stress of all "of it" and personal responsibility of "building it so they would come" I have energetically absorb a lot. It has taken a toll on my mind, body and spirit. Finding balance was crucial if I were to continue the course Spirit set many years ago. Yes, some of my choices I regret...but today I can understand WHY I made them and take the steps needed to reverse it.
And through it all, I have been so incredibly blessed. I have accomplished so much with my very best friend whom, if had not come along....I would have never been able fulfill Spirits Vision. I am very grateful that God keeps sending me angels. We have an awesome group of people who now help me keep the continuity of energy "flowing and growing." I wish to clear the record: the surgery I had....was needed BECAUSE of the choices I made along the way to NOT to take time out for myself. To work all week -for many years, I had 2 full time jobs, while trying to be a good mom, missing concerts, graduations, things I can NEVER redo with my children. Never having weekends off for quality family time, or yearly mini vacations. In 14 years to take one family vacation just to spread my beloved grandparents ashes in the gulf, .doesn't really not count as a relaxing happy time. I was greiving, lost and trying to heal my broken heart! On May 10th created a new me birthday. I made a promise to myself to undo the old unhealthy patterns, to make time out for me and my family 1st. To Celebrate my life and my accomplishments. To be PRESENT in my choices, actions and deeds. I will dance again, I will not live in physical pain everyday because my back/spine was collapsing into itself holding too much weight "physical and emotional" any longer. I will not live on pain meds. There is NOT quality of life doing so. Back injuries are always about "not feeling supported" in your efforts. Financially or otherwise. Earlier this in Jan we were invited by dear friends to join them on a Cruise to celebrate his 60th birthday! Honestly, I wouldn't miss it for the world. Booking 6 months out, is was less than $50 a day. So I said YES. I still must come up with the flights that will cost more then the cruise itself but it will happen. I have years of IOUS out in the Universe! And I called them all in! I actually yelled to the top of my lungs: I WANT TO LIVE. HAPPY, HEALTHY WEALTHY RIGHT NOW! I no longer wish to struggle and worry about PSC anymore. I HAVE DONE MY PART. It is time to take time out for me. my family...the things that are MOST important to me. Life is too short to "wait"...... "eat" dessert first. Find the joy and sweetness again. Without guilt, shame, worry or doubts. I will now be doing this each and everyday. A few weeks ago we finally called in together to take "personal day off." No one was sick...we simply said we NEED to just sit and not move today, to have some quality family time. And we still got 3 texts and calls, had to do 2+ hrs of church business in our home. So much for "time off." I am so looking forward to being out of reach of everyone for 6 days and 5 nights! NO ONE to disturb me as I am getting to know my new self and the people I adore all over again....it is so LONG overdue! Thanks for listening.

Tummy Messages

So I have been one of those people who has always listened to my "gut". The tight feeling like a crunch means: pay attention (be on alert) The more tightness I feel or the higher the intensity; means: danger, something bad is about to happen! Those incredible butterflies, well they always mean: love and pure excitement. The elevator sensation means: nervousness or anxiety. And when working with Spirit Energy for Channeling Healing or Readings, there is a swirling that means: sacred power. Trance Channeling feels like: like all of the above are blended together. I feel healing spirals of energy which are much more solid, focused and powerful. Energy popping up and down, like pistons of an engine are new to me after surgery. I have been super charged since the Seance last Sat Night. Still processing this "new sensation". I like it...but it feels like only time and practice with help me understand what these changes "mean" for our future work.
These tummy messages are always combined with changes of body temps, goose bumps, hair raising, changes in my breathing and my heart rate. All of my senses are totally on. Everything is digitally enhanced. I feel endless signals or energies bouncing off of me in all directions. Electricity and light is what I see and feel with my eyes closed or open. Sometimes there is a metallic taste under my tongue. I am quite aware that my body is experiencing an adrenal release. But it is like my system is becoming more fine tuned and it runs on demand. Somewhere there is a remote in the Spirit World and they are watching my life on "High Definition TV" or something! lol What a funny thought. But I serve that source. The ONE without fear or doubt. I KNOW there is a bigger plan. I will continue to go where I am led, to humbly serve Spirit and always render service to any Soul who crosses my path.
Living my life in a place of gratitude. Seeing the world anew--in awe and wonder. I feel like I am just scratching the surface of what the entire package or plan really is. But I will LISTEN. I will show up. And I will do my part. At the end of the day....that will be enough.

Who Knew?

So who knew that weight loss or gain was such an EMOTIONAL issue? OK, so we all raised our hands, no big surprise there. Boy, am I finding emotional baggage being released all over the place these days. I am a person who pretty much "knows" who, what, when and where this baggage came from....but what I didn't know was that I literally have boat loads of it. Shame, blame, guilt, fear, and pain. I honestly thought I got rid of this crap years ago. I did...must have been the stuff on the surface.
The last few months as I have been busy disposing pounds I find myself laughing one minute and completely sobbing the next. The whole "emotional roller-coaster" feels a bit foreign to me. I must admit, NOT being able to control the tears on command or demand was unsettling at first. However, I feel like an old pro almost 2 months to the day out of surgery. I know that must be released and it is time to go. As I get healthier it no longer can be stuffed away or locked up. I totally get this!
Between the age of 10-25 I had a pretty serious eating disorder: Anorexia and Bulimia. I almost went into organ failure at the age of 19. I collapsed after not eating solid for about 3 months. It was ALL about me trying to CONTROL my life: by my weight, food consummation all to cover up deeper emotional pain. In my last blog I spoke about the severe sexual/physical/emotional abuse I suffered as a child. That included having to clear my plate even when I wasn't hungry and both parents using food as a "healing balm" for whatever damage was done and left hurting. Mentally or Physically. After a good old fashion belt beating, nothing made it all better faster than getting some "Ow Scream". Yep, that's what Robin as a 2-3 year old called ice cream! Funny thing is....it isn't so cute anymore. Kind of sad actually. I have realized that I have so much "learned" behavior to undo and as more memories surface I find that I still want to energetically "feed" the pain. Pain for what was, pain for what wasn't and there is even pain for what will never be. I know that this is a waste of energy!
Carole King got it right: "I haven't got time for the pain." However, I do have the time to practice self nurturing and forgiveness. Allow my spirit to release and let go of what no longer serves me. Does this mean I will be able to heal once and for all. Dear God, I sure hope so. And I still like ice cream and I know I can have a scoop because I want it, not because I am using it to mask something else! The trick: I must be mindful. Listen to my body. Find a way to let food be fuel and not my enemy. I do struggle not to weigh myself everyday. But I am working hard to not rock my body with such emotional extremes anymore....instead let it find gentle balance. Without the need to control it. I continue to excercise and walk 2-3 miles daily.
I will keep searching to find the "Happy Medium" inside. Hey, I know she is in here somewhere. And as soon as she feels safe enough....she will appear! Thanks for listening. (( :