Wonder if....

So I have been thinking a lot about the statement " Mom, when are you going to grow up?" After my surgery, I have found myself traveling backwards in a time machine. I see the painfully shy, emotionally battered, physically and sexually abused lonely, little girl I once was. A place where the Spirit's I regularly saw and the 4-legged strays I found were my ONLY trusted friends. I remember the lake I lived on, the creek I walked by and drew "healing" rocks from, those trees I sat in, was my safe sacred space. And I can "clearly" see why I am where I am today on many levels.
During my morning walks and meditations one thing is clearer then ever. It isn't about the past anymore.....it is ALL about the present. Wonder if, you grew up like I did? Having to grow up
far too quickly, a time where parent/adult dysfunction overshadowed your innocence each and every day? Where peace and security wasn't something you ever felt inside of your home or family, but instead it was a place filled with constant conflict and fear. The pain and hunger of basic survival was what you KNEW as your reality. A dark place where LOVE didn't exist without condition or pain....and HATE thrived in fowl words and twisted minds? Yes, only God knows how I ever survived at all.
I often wonder and then I hear: that it is the water, those trees and rocks, those 4-legged ones who taught me to love, and those amazing Spirits who held me together and helped me all along my journey. I grew up as a part of them....never separate. I also know the Creator was always there in those darkest times, when other parts of me were being plucked apart by others. In a place inside..... far deeper......I was safe and loved by something BIGGER. And I did have a mother. I was always surrounded and protected by the Greatest Mother of all: Mother Nature. Without her beauty and healing, I would have broken long ago.
So here I am today, a survivor, strong, courageous and a mighty force who is connected to all that is and I can't help but to hope and wonder if maybe just maybe the rest of my life can be sweeter, filled with love, free of pain and suffering, if I can indeed nurture my inner child enough to find my lost innocence again? To pick up the "I always wanted too....if only I did this or that, and rewrite my story. Sing, dance or play the guitar. Platinum Blond hair or add midnight blue streaks if I want, get a new tattoo or trade the mommy car for a convertible. Maybe, the time for me to be more childlike is LONG OVERDUE! This Butterfly wants to fly and have fun, be free from the past, actually to be empowered and liberated by it. Be happy, safe, financially secure, to animate the highest vibration on the planet LOVE. Oh yes, watch me! I will do this and more.
I think I have learned enough of the hard knock life lessons of pain, worry, adult struggles. I have survived all of the tests along the way. And this weight loss/be fit and healthy adventure I am on, I am busy preparing for my final exam: "To become the Master of My Own Life. Not allow those Experiences of Life to Master Me."
What I am Creating today in my present, is a new improved reality for my future. And yes, I am and always will be a hopeless romantic who somehow after 47 years, still believes in "happily ever after!" And we Spiritualist's KNOW "The End" is just another beginning!

For a Fill and a Song!

So on Wed I went in for my 1st lap band fill. Now that was a weird adventure. The lowlight was the anxiety and the needle was so big it could have tapped an elephant. The highlight was the "Novocain" and number I posted on the scale. I am down 37 lbs in 7 weeks! I can't believe it. My Dr was humming and happy. I was numb and thrilled. I go back in 6 weeks. I am walking daily, using hand weights and resistance bands. But I am back on liquids for a few days until I adjust to this change. I am tight and sore now as my body gets used to this pressure and the new restriction. At least that is what they tell me.
At the PSC Annual Membership Meeting, they presented me with a gorgeous new ocean blue guitar. What a dream come true! I had a plain one a long time ago. As a painfully shy 14 year old I began lessons with an awesome music teacher (Mr Milk's) who encouraged me to sing publicly. He choose me for solos in the choir and then offered me a spot in the music group called "The Singing Swinging 7" at our school. The very best thing to ever happen to me as a student in the education system. In those days I actually felt that God had thrown me a lifeline. Music allowed me to express my inner most emotions through...SONG. But my happiness was short lived when my abusive father broke the instrument in half and ordered me to STOP after school rehearsals and the private guitar lessons and voice coaching my kind teacher offered free to me. After loosing something that was so important to me, I was even more withdrawn, and I never found anything else that I excelled in school wise.
As an adult I have always "wished" to find someone that had the patience to teach a dyslexic south paw to play. I love all types of mucic and have always had musicians as friends. And Spirit sent me a new talented friend last year that was up for the challenge. Out of the blue on day, she said Spirit told her to teach me how to play the guitar. Did I want to learn or were her gifts "off"? She also saw that we would be singing/playing together at PSC and with the choir. Mentioned an album called, "Howe The Wind Blows". All I could do was laugh but it was followed by a great big teary YES! I am having my 1st lesson today. Please pray for her. I love to sing, have been doing karaoke for years (won many contests over the years) out and about. (A shout out to the "Girls Night Out Gang") I always have new and old lyrics bouncing around in my head, so I figured it is fine time to put this all together.
However, I was surprised when I mentioned it to my oldest daughter the other day and she was less then supportive. We had just gone a round about me cutting my hair off and spiking it blond( my natural color is now white platinum blond. Over the next 5 months I am slowly going back to all natural) She said " Mom, when are you going to finally grow up and stop trying new things? Stunned, I felt her words sting me. Somehow I managed to sputter out: I guess.....NEVER! I am only 47 years old Heather. After she left I was still thinking, Am I too old to be doing something like this? Am I being foolish? Maybe I am I having a mid life crisis or something. Clear as a bell my Soul screamed NO. Immediately an inner peace followed.
I really don't care anymore what others think about me, or what I am doing or learning. I am "over" being judged or criticized by people who don't really understand what I have overcome in this lifetime. I am for the first time, doing what makes me happy. I am not sacrificing myself any longer.
I am nurturing and tending to my damaged inner child. Part of this process is to keep doing things that will allow me to heal the past and continue to grow. A few months ago, I made a promise to release and let go of the horrible experiences that I allowed to destroy parts of me. These "bits" can be found again, the emotions revisited, so I can rewrite them with much happier endings..
Life's lessons do not need to be painful or debilitating. They just need our permission and courage to allow the true soul lessons to materialize when we are ready. I know it took great COURAGE to survive my childhood. But now I can THRIVE and celebrate my life in my adulthood. For my UNBREAKABLE SPIRIT is the true author of my "happily ever after". And I am grateful.....

One Foot In Front Of The Other.....

So recovery has been a day by day process. I have found that I can no longer force myself or my body to do what is isn't ready to do. It gets cranky when I push myself too fast. Seems I totally underestimated my super woman healing powers. "I" thought for sure I would take a week or 2 off tops. I would do what I was told to do REST and HEAL. Apparently I didn't read the whole brochure or fine print in my pre-op paper work. You know, the part that says, 6-12 weeks is the normal recovery time for most patients.
My Dr laughed at me when I came in for my 2 week post op appt. He said: "My weakness or sleepiness was normal." Having the blues was too. Please go home and actually READ the paperwork they sent me home with and ummm....DO what it tells you. " I find that I need regular naps now. I eat.... gasp....organic baby food, soups, protein shakes, because everything I eat must be soft. In many ways I am treating myself like a small child. Now you ARE laughing at me! I figure my inner child is really enjoying, my outer adult nurturing her. Caring for her like she has never been cared for in her entire childhood. The newly added smell of baby soap, lotion and powder totally takes this process to a even deeper level of personal healing. Because of my skin sensitivities and allergies I am supposed to use these products too. I totally forgot that I loved these smells. They remind me of my children when they were infants. I LOVED the smell of them after I bathed them and put lotion on them. It is rather amazing to be so connected to my body. I am cleared out of all breads, pastas, flour, sugar, caffeine(hey does a 1/2 cup really count lol) eating little to no carbs....and no longer taking medications including insulin. I am a month out of surgery and I am completely detoxed.
And the best part......my Spirit has NEVER felt more present. I listen to my body, mind and spirit. I have no choice but to honor this temple each and everyday. I can only imagine what the future holds. But I find that I am in no hurry. I am taking time out to plant flowers, water them and to SMELL them. I am seeing clients again. My connection to the Spirit World is humming! SO fine tuned. Who knew, this would enhance my abilities? I am working at a more comfortable pace for all concerned. I have been delegating classes when I need to. Mother Nature is really speaking to me. The Earth healing work/ceremony is helping me stay centered and showing me spirit messages. A lovely blue jay has visited me the last 3 mornings. Just singing away. Walks right up to me. Never have I seen such a solid, strong, bright blue male. There are butterflies everywhere, humming birds and deer, my morning doves Mr and Mrs are sitting on their eggs in my Japanese Dogwood. We coo- chat daily. And everyday I meditate and walk, and walk and walk some more. In a month: 32 lbs down....lots more to go. But I am more at peace then I have ever been.
I am also looking for company to walk with me. I find that I am a bit lonely at times. So if you are interested, please let me know. I walk in the AM and PM after dinner time. Thanks for listening. All is well....